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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

A HILARIOUS EMAIL


Subject: The Bathing Suit


When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.  They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.


Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice -- she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.  The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks.  Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror: my boobs had disappeared!

?
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.  The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.  I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides.  I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. 
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.  My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read: 'Material might become transparent in water'.

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
 YES....THIS IS ME !
 Now THIS swimsuit is 
GIVING ME NIGHTMARES...
 and ya'll can have your sea shells and sea glass you find on the beach......
I'd rather find
Mr. Johnny Depp on the beach any old day !!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.  
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.  With or without a bathing suit.

Ya'll have a really FUN day...
Lots of love, bj

38 comments:

Susan @ homeroad.net said...

OMG BJ this was hysterical! Thanks for posting it! I think I've tried on each and every one of those bathing suits... I'm going with the "swim dress" this year!
Susan

Brayton Homestead Interiors said...

oh boy did I need that laugh- throat hurts I laughed so much!

thanks...

Karen

forgetmenot said...

It was hysterical, but most of it was true, true, true. Ah, to be 20 again and skinny as a rail!!!! Jeans and a T-shirt aren't sounding too bad right now. Thanks for the laugh. Have a great week. Mickie :)

Tracy said...

BJ, I really laughed because it was funny but had those same exact thoughts as I tried on bathing suits on SAturday...after 3 hours, I cam home with nothing so you won't be the only one on the beach in shorts and a tank top! I hate, hate, hate swim suit shopping! UGH!

Suzann said...

That was great, I needed that!!!
I didn't even go bathing suit hunting this year, skipping summer :-)

Suzann ~xoxo~

Marydon said...

Haven't stopped laughing, BJ. This is a stitch in a half! That's probably about what swim suits today are held together with ...

You always bring such merriment into our lives.

Have a great holiday weekend ~
TTFN ~
Marydon

LDH said...

It's not often I sit alone behind my computer and laugh out loud but this post cracked me up! So funny (and true). A great post!

Keetha Broyles said...

I shore do wish they'd bring back the 50's bathing suits!

FABBY'S LIVING said...

This totally cracked me up!! Did I need that laugh and right now!! I got my bathing suits ready, they fit well, for mid age women! Thanks so much for this one...I owe you one, pal. Lots of hugs, FABBY

Deila said...

yea, that was fun and funny for me, who was also a child in the 50's. One year I bought some kind of tennis skirt with shorts attached underneath, that worked until I went in the water.

Debby said...

So funny and so true. I ordered my last one . It was just awful getting into in. I always have something over it. My little granddaughters laughed at me wearing a dress in the pool.

Sue @ Not the Good Scissors! said...

This is the best laugh I have had in a long time!

Bathing suit? Do they still make them? Haven't shopped for one in years. It is a t-shirt and shorts or nothing (you know what I mean :))for this gal. If I tried on one of those suits they would probably have to call 911 and pick me up off the floor from exhaustion.
Have a great week BJ. Hugs

sissie said...

Hi BJ,
I'm ROTFL! I don't even buy bathing suits anymore! LOL!

This is so funny, thanks for the giggles.

hugs
Sissie

Korrie@RedHenHome said...

Definitely laughing! For hours to come, I'll bet!

Honey at 2805 said...

What a hoot! These words speak so much truth!

NanaDiana said...

Now, Ain't THAT the truth? I hate trying on swim suits. I would just as soon have a tooth pulled..although it would be a back tooth given the option. xo Diana THANKS FOR THE LAUGH!

La said...

Oh BJ. You make me laugh. I love it!

Kathleen Grace said...

It would be funny if it weren't so true! lol. I bet there would be a market for the old kind of swimsuit with support, I know I would buy one!

Annie Louise said...

Oh my gosh that was hilarious! Thanks,
Jeanette

Happier Than a Pig in Mud said...

Amen Sista! Is there anything worse than swimsuit shopping? Love the line about waxing eyebrows! Wouldn't mind finding Johnny on the beach either:@)

Kathy said...

Oh yes, I am laughing. Very funny post and I too don't wear bathing suits anymore.

On Crooked Creek said...

BJ,
Too cute! Just last week my friend told me she needed to go to a water aerobics class to exercise; however...that's NOT going to happen. When I asked why she stated...I'm NOT getting into a bathing suit...that's why! This post reaffirmed the why!
Fondly,
Pat

Designs By Pinky said...

Oh BJ, thank so much for the BELLY laugh...pun intended:):) We just got home from vacation and I had a bathing suit on for a week. I do not look good in it but I wanted to be in the pool so I sucked it up (or in, depending). I wear a 2 piece: the bottom has a skirt and the top has kinda wide straps. I swear, "speed bumb" is spot on about the boobs:):):) Have a great week, GF! XO, Pinky

The White Farmhouse said...

I can so relate to this! I will be the whale on the beach in the mumu this year. I think I tried on the masking tape one. Someone told me they use duct tape under their suit to hold parts in. There is not enough duct tape in the world! Besides how would you get it off? It's so hard to be old and fat any more.

Entertaining Women said...

I always manage to forget to pack my swimsuit when we go to the lake....works great. Funny, if painful tale. Cherry Kay

Pondside said...

Been there, tried that suit on!....suffered!

Emily said...

I should not have opened this email before my cup of morning joe. OMG, I was on the floor in pain and husband thought something awful was wrong with me. I couldn't catch a breath from laughing so hard, all before my morning coffee, hardly awake. bj, please send out a warning before sending out such funnies. The worst, uh make that best, when I got to the part of having a high cut and waxing eyebrows, I really lost it then. Remember bj, WARNING BEFORE READING!

~Emily
The French Hutch

jeanne said...

A quick thank you for your comments.Your post is so funny. I can relate way too much. We are getting ready to pull out in about an hour. I'm ready to go home but this trip was awesome.
Love you sister friend,
Jeanne xo

Marlis said...

OOh how deliciously funny! I gave up on swim suits and thus all vacations that have to do with a beach.. I pay too much money to cover up this old body ;-)! Can you say mumu? LOL.. many blessings, marlis

Cozy Little House said...

I'd surely be rolling on the floor, but I have a disconcerted, confused dog in my lap as I read and type. Fearful that mom has gone clear round the bend laughing so hard. Must be an ominous sight!
Brenda

Kathleen said...

Nah, I'd rather find TOM!
Well you saw me in my bikini, so obviously I don't have the described problem! :)

Screaming Sardine said...

That's hilarious!! Thanks for giving me a laugh today, BJ.

Cheers,
Tracy Screaming Sardine

Kim @ Savvy Southern Style said...

Oh my, BJ. I have tears rolling down my face and a sore gut from laughing so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sue (Someone's Mom) said...

Is there anything less fun than trying on bathing suits? I've always had issues, even when I was young and very skinny. I'm tall...which means long torso...which means I buy expensive or I walk around pulling and tugging all day long. I don't remember ever putting on a suit and thinking, "wow, that looks good"! Now, if it is long enough, thick enough and you can't see through it...it is all good!

Julie Harward said...

LOL I laughed all the way through this post bj...so funny and yet so sad for every woman, except the models! ;D

Curtains In My Tree said...

I am laughing my Grass off

how very true

janice

Anonymous said...

You have a gift for expressing real life in a humorous way that we can all relate to. THANK YOU! By the way, did you know Esther Williams has a website and you can order her classic sheath bathing suits?
It's www.esther-williams.com
Stephanie

Patti said...

This was wonderful, BJ!

you mentoned it the other day (tuesday?) and I made a mental note to stop by...I've been so busy with work.

It's good to be busy and not dwell on other stuff, if you catch my drift.

Your blog is so entertaining. I love the photos you post. You make everything look beautiful. I would love a house with just the essentials in it too, but alas I am surrounded by clutter and too many papers and work stuff. Oy

Thanks as ever for your visits and support.