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thanks, bj

Thursday, February 28, 2008

AHHHHAAAAAA,HAAAAAAA, HAHAHAH,........

I just got this in an email and HAD to share with you....I am still laughing out loud.....


CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud... All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (Ya think!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees (cold wax, yeah, right). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin tight and pull. It works! Okay, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my 'hoo-hoo' and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.....RRRRIIIIIPPPPP!!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!! Everything is whirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breath, breathe...okay, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. 'Hoo hoo'?? sealed shut! Butt?? sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, 'please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the water should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement epoxied myself to the porcelain!!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!!' There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'are we talking cheeks or hoo-hoo?' She laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH RIGHT!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to loose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!!! It works!!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color...

19 comments:

Lucy Bloom said...

Oh BJ, that is hilarious - I'm never waxing again though!
Lucy x

Anita said...

OMG BJ I'm dying here!!!
HA!! My 9 y.o. son is looking at me like I've gone INSANE!!!

Thanks so much for that!!!

Cowboys & Custard said...

Oh dear Bj that sounds so horribly familiar... yes I did something similar once with my top lip moustache... the wax stayed put firmly on my top lip which then had to be scrubbed off.. then I had a bright red strip of a scar across my face... very subtle!
You could hear my beloved laughing from the end of the street...

Much love
Michelexxx

Hope said...

Hi BJ,
Even though I had read this before, it is still just as funny! The things women go through! :o)

Hugs,
Hope

Mary said...

Oh. My. God.
xoxo,
Mary

Alison Gibbs said...

Oh Bj that is so so funny - yeh when it happens to someone else!!
Alison

PEA said...

Hello dear BJ:-)

Catching up on your news once again...maybe there will come a day when I can visit everyone on a daily basis! lol I've so enjoyed reading your last few posts...love, love, love all the beautiful furniture you have!! Such wonderful presents that you've received also...that rabbit pillow is just so sweet and it does indeed look perfect in your black wicker chair:-)

As for this post...ROFL!!! Omigosh that was so funny!! xoxo

Tara said...

BJ

This is a great post! I was laughing and laughing! please be careful with that hair color!!

:0)
Tara

SweetAnnee said...

ROFL..ou are a NUT!!
thanks for the BIG laugh..

fondly , your friend..Deena

Sandi McBride said...

Oh Good Lord, BJ! Been there (hated it) done that (for the love of heaven, why?) and will do at least one or maybe two again. WHY? His name is Mac...what we do for love
Sandi

Anonymous said...

BJ, I knew you'd love it!
Christy:-)<><

Betty said...

That is soooo funny. I hope that never happens to me, lol.

Thank you, BJ, for your input on my blog today about my posting problem. You have helped by giving me an idea as to what I need to do.

I will say that your postings always look so professional. You must be doing something right.

Nan said...

LOL LOL LOL............that is too funny. I can just see her.
Hugs,
Nan

Penny @ Lavender Hill Studio said...

Tears running down my face!!!!!!Thank you BJ!!
Penny

Suzy said...

I tried it once by myself, well I had more luck than this lady, but I must say I can totally understand her since my try was also very painful.
Thanks for sharing and making us laugh.

Suzy

Janet said...

BJ,

That is just too funny. I am going to have to share that with all my gal pals. Thanks for the laughs.

Janet

Kathleen Grace said...

Oh my! LOL, Thanks for sharing this, it reminds me of the time my sister decided to wax her legs when we were teens. She did one leg and it hurt so bad to pull it off she spent most of the next hour trying to get up the courage to pull off al little more and then would disolve on the bed in laughter mixed with tears! Cry, laugh, tear! Needless to say I learned from her experience and have never had anything waxed. She never waxed again either!

Counting Your Blessings said...

Absolutely Hysterical!! I feel bad for you... but I'm still laughing! Blessings... Polly

Meggie said...

OMG! How hilarious! I've been tempted many times to try waxing....I think I will stick with shaving.